I’m being completely ignored in my martial arts class, in this week’s We’re Prudence.

Michelle: It sounds like this guy may be following a version of the “Billy Graham rule,” popularized by former Vice President Mike Pence, that men should avoid spending time alone with any woman not their wife. In this case, this coach is apparently refusing to interact with female students who aren’t his wife. His convictions aren’t your problem. What is your problem is getting the coaching you’re paying for. Before hopping straight to the manager though, you could gather the other women in the class and corner the coach together. “We’ve all noticed that you’re not providing any female student except your wife with any feedback or encouragement, or even a greeting. Could you please explain this?” If that doesn’t resolve the problem, then head for the manager’s office.

Uncle Rico: Hmmm. Sounds like he’s ignoring every woman save his wife for a purpose; maybe he’s got a Mike Pence vibe and he can’t handle the temptation of interactions with women for religious reasons. Maybe his wife is super jealous, maybe he’s being punished for a past infraction … it doesn’t matter why. You’re paying for instruction and you’re not getting it. You could talk to him directly: “hey, I could use some guidance and I don’t feel like I’m getting any coaching, I really want to improve.” This might work bet if you talk to him and his wife at the same time. Befriend her. And then there’s always going to the manager. If you do this, talk to some of the other women and compare notes, maybe go to either the instructor or the manager together. But this isn’t right. Especially since he’s wasting your precious time.

Mabby: After the next class, go to the coach and say “Hey, name, could I have a couple of minutes of your time?” If he says yes “I really want to continue to develop my skills and I’m struggling because I’m not getting feedback from you during classes so I don’t feel I am able to improve. Can you help me with this?” If he says he doesn’t have time to talk, I’d be talking to a manager at the gym. If he listens but blows you off, ditto. “I’m struggling because coach doesn’t seem willing to work with me the same way he works with others in the class, specifically all the males in the class and his wife. I tried to raise it with him but didn’t get anywhere. I don’t know what the issue is but it means I’m not getting meaningful instruction as I should be in the class.”

You’ll see a few suggestions to speak to the coach or someone in charge at the gym directly, explicitly demanding the attention and feedback you’re paying for. I don’t think that’s wrong. You’re absolutely entitled to take this approach. I just personally wouldn’t want to receive a face-to-face, intimate service like coaching as the result of complaining to the manager. It’s not like demanding that a contractor come back to fix your cabinets. The awkwardness of knowing your coach would prefer not to make eye contact but is doing it because he’s been told he has to would take away from the experience. For me. You’ll have to decide if you feel the same.

I wish I had some better advice, but I have to agree with those who suggested that you get out of there. If it helps, this behavior really does call into question his professionalism and should make you wonder if he’s falling short in other areas too. You deserve better!

Old Lady Fitness Instructor: I teach in a (primarily) martial arts gym. And I say this will all due respect to most instructors out there working with people of varied levels, interest, and abilities and do it with a smile? This guy is a jerk. Leave. Go find another gym, one with supportive coaches. Life is too short to throw your money at a gym where you are being ignored.

Mike Nitibach: I mean, on the one hand you can try to do a bunch of analysis and inquiry to figure out why this dude is behaving this way. And you can tell the gym management that they should somehow induce him to change his behavior. Imagine the best-case outcome of all of this weighed against your mental & emotional effort to move the needle: begrudgingly provided attention from someone who, for whatever reason, doesn’t want to pay attention to you in class. I say just find another gym.

Erin: If it’s a positive and supportive training environment, you should not have to “win anyone over” or convince them that you are worth their time and attention—it’s a big red flag. This situation says a lot about this coach (not good) and is not a reflection of your worth. It’s even worse if he is the main instructor, you are paying to learn from them and being ignored by an instructor is unacceptable. If you live in or near a decently sized city, I’d try out some other gyms and see if you can find a more supportive training environment that supports you and your goals (whether that be competitions or not). Adding a small piece of unsolicited advice: If you don’t feel like training, go anyways—I’ve never, not once in 8 years, regretted showing up. Wishing you all the best in your training!

It’s depressing to think that you may have to switch gyms because of something that’s really not your fault. To lighten things up, I thought I’d also share this suggestion that I found both funny and creative.

I Dare You Not to Look: In ballet, when an instructor won’t acknowledge you, or a teacher won’t teach you, we use the “nuclear option.” Dance so badly they cannot possibly ignore you. If everyone is turning right, you turn left, maybe you even fall, aggressively don’t point your toes, make sure you’re three counts behind in the choreo, you get the point. You make it impossible for them to ignore you. It is the nuclear option because you are calling them out publicly, but it always works. Worst case, you get more attention in the following weeks than you maybe wanted. Still better than being ignored! I don’t know the martial arts equivalent of dancing like a nincompoop, but I encourage you to get creative!

It’s worth a try.